allowing the chrysalis

I took this photo of a chrysalis about 5 years ago. It was at the Air Bnb I was staying in while I was attending my very first biodynamic craniosacral training. Apt, too, as entering that field of study was ultimately a giant swan dive into the unknown corners of my body and psyche and the onset a deeply transformative process that continues to shift and inform me.

I was struck by the beauty of the thing; the luminous sea green color it took, the incredible line of gold that spun around it and finished at the bottom with two delicate golden specks. It seemed a deliberate work of art. Fragile and resilient, strongly adhered to the branch, keeping company with buds who were generating just enough frustration to burst forth and finally express themselves.

And here we find ourselves, in the midst of the eruption of spring, confined to our homes, grieving the ground and structure that previously upheld our lives. I’m sure this is not the first cocoon/butterfly metaphor you’ve stumbled across during this period of time. Apologies for the cliche. This particular analogy has become cliche, however, because it is such an applicable metaphor to our human experience. This cycle happens over and over again throughout our lives, with varying lengths of butterfly-ness and cocoon-ness. Spiritual teacher and author Matt Kahn says that at any given moment, we find ourselves a cross-section of erosion and renewal. The degree to which we can yield to our experience as it is can affect amount of discomfort we might feel in relation to that ratio of erosion and renewal.

We are undoubtedly in a period of transformation. Just as you would not rip this gorgeous and intelligently made structure from it’s branch, slice it open to figure it out and see what’s inside - try not rob yourself of this sacred opportunity to morph. Try not to prematurely “get it all figured out.” There is no “figuring out” while in the chrysalis. It’s dark in there. It’s supposed to be. It’s uncomfortable. It’s supposed be. The point of the chrysalis is that you cannot know. Allow space to not know, rest in the truth that you do not have to know. Allow the cessation of striving. We are in a constant state of becoming whether or not we are actively striving towards anything. Rest in that truth.

My hope for myself and for the collective is that we don’t try to rush to go “back to the way things were.” It is an impossibility. Yesterday I left my house for the first time in 12 days to go get more groceries. It was a shock to the system. Driving felt eerie. Changing lanes felt aggressive, even when it wasn't. I felt like I was violating some sacred code, just by moving through the world. Like I’d ripped myself out of my own cocoon. I realized that I needed to fully give myself to this period of time, to allow the chrysalis, to yield into the transformation. I am letting myself get gooey in the places that were begging to give way- the needless scaffolding in my life that I thought I needed but really only drained and distracted me. As I come into contact with the new found space in my life that was once occupied by errands and to-do lists, I can see how they acted as a bandaid to my unconscious sense of aimlessness and self-diminishment, how they were snuffing out a more genuine and perhaps scary and ego-threatening expression of my authentic self.

And so here I find myself, publishing this blog as my first uncomfortable gesture towards butterfly-ness. My intention with this virtual space is to offer my current thoughts on my work - how I do it, why I do it, how I think about and relate to it. I will be speaking strictly from my own experience, so if it doesn’t resonate with you - please defer to your own inner knowing and trust your own experience. You are your own authority. I am mostly writing to document my own evolution, to potentially have a dialogue, and to help people understand who I am as a practitioner. If it helps you along your journey, fabulous! Also, if there is something specific you’d like for me to write about, please do let me know!

Thank you for reading. Please take good, sweet care of yourself. Wishing you all gentleness during this deeply unraveling and transformative period.